Unfortunately not a wrestling reference, but a reminder why it’s so important for men to talk about their problems
I never thought I’d be writing this blog, but I feel I wouldn’t be doing myself justice if I just ignored the matter. What I’m about to share with you is an in-depth insight into how I was feeling recently. It’s not a cry for help or attention, but with mental health awareness continually growing, I hope this might be some small help for anyone going through something similar.
In recent weeks I reached what I would describe as my peak, I was offered a well-paid job in the sports science industry (something actually related to my bachelor’s degree) and was over the moon to start. For those who have also graduated, they will understand that finding a job after university isn’t the easiest of things, but I was finally able nail down a decent career start. After completing my first week of work I was very happy, and excited for the future ahead of me.
However, that same week I received a call and was coincidentally offered another new job, which was incredibly appealing. So, the following week on my day off I went for an interview and was offered the job there and then! Being a graduate who had struggled for so long to find a decent job I did what any other graduate would do, I accepted, and left the other job after only one week of working there.
But, the weirdest thing began to happen. I instantly regretted my decision, and immediately felt a sense of disappointment in myself for jumping at the newest, shiny opportunity.
Before starting this new job, I had a few days to sort everything out contractually, but I was no longer happy. I lost all sense of motivation to want to succeed in my new position and began struggling to even leave my own house.
Later that week I had my first day, and while it was not necessarily what I expected, I thought perhaps things would get better – maybe it was just first day nerves? But I was wrong.
Later that night I was visited by the doctors. I was unable to sleep, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, and I just began crying. In my mind the very thought of waking up terrified me, a feeling that I’ve never felt. I instantly thought to myself, “dude, stop it, what’s wrong? You’re in a good job, with a good salary, your life is fine.” While all those things were true, I wasn’t fine.
2018 has been a tough year, I’ve experienced broken relationships, loss of family members, and extreme body image issues. But I always tried to take this negativity in my stride, and create this external image to my friends and loved ones that life was good, when really it was all a lie. The collection of all these negative events finally took it’s toll on me psychologically, and I no longer had the ability to create this external strong minded character. Instead, I began backing out of social events, and started just sitting in my room wanting time to pass me by, instead of enjoying each day as it comes.
After my first day I finally came to terms with the fact that I had officially hit rock bottom (unfortunately not a wrestling reference). I broke down many times over a three-day period, and genuinely felt like giving up on everything I feel I had worked hard for. The hardest part of all of this was admitting to myself and my friends that I have a problem, and maybe I have for a while. However, now I am willing to admit that. The second hardest thing was trying to figure out why I felt this way, and why I’ve been trying to hide this vulnerability for so long. So, I chatted with my parents numerous times, and finally we came to a conclusion.
The fact of the matter is, I’ve been trying to prove I’m something I’m not for a while. Trying to prove to an individual or a group of people that I’m stronger, better, and smarter than I really am. It’s facing the fact that all these negative events have made me an extremely insecure person who feels he has something to prove, and constantly demonstrate. When, maybe I’m a little damaged? But that’s okay. I haven’t found my dream job yet, dream partner, dream house, or dream life in general, but that doesn’t mean I’m unsuccessful right? Losing so much in such a short time frame made me feel worthless, self-conscious, distant, and hopefully these are things I can conquer. So, if you’re reading this and you’ve experienced/experiencing a similar thing, know that it’s fine, you’ll figure shit out eventually. Surround yourselves with people who care about you, and you’ll understand it all eventually.
I’d publicly like to acknowledge all the people who have not only supported me recently but shown to me that friendship is a powerful god damn thing (I know that sounds story book, but it’s true).
So, thank you…
Jads, Charles, Conor, Ben, Sophie, Will, Mumma Pock, Father Pock, my sister, my godmother, my auntie, my cousins Drs Jade and Yusif, Gez (old guy from the gym), Jeanette, and Rachel.