Well, 2017. It has indeed been one… calendar year. Between the retrospectives, drunken rants, and teary-eyed regrets that will be roughly 60% of all New Year parties, is the tradition of New Year resolutions.
Now for most of us those resolutions will be something personal; give up on drinking, smoking, smoking drinks, drinking smoke, eating sweets, eating sours, doing more exercise, exorcisms, and otherwise just do more of things you don’t like doing and cut out things we may enjoy a little too much.
But because you have probably heard all of these before, here are some little alternative resolutions for you all. These are just a few, and if you do have any more please do let us know and warning, this has opinions in it. So, here are the top nine things to give up on this 2018.
Starting off with a real classic here, ladies and gentlemen. Now, there is nothing wrong per se with looking at 2018 with high expectations, in fact I would be jealous of your optimism.
But like the empty promises that there won’t be game-breaking glitches in a Bethesda game, we have burned before – and 2017 has certainly put us through the ringer. So I’m going to steal a line from Bo Burnham and advise you to “lower your expectations a few”.
The best thing about having low expectations is that anything beyond your incredibly low bar is considered a massive success. If you have soaring hopes going into something, like WrestleMania or Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, and it falls short of what you want, then obviously it’s going to seem like the end of the world.
But then if you see something with minimal emotional attachment, like Braun Strowman’s entire career or Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and they are even slightly better than what you’d imagined, then there’s a reason to celebrate.
In short, let’s keep 2018 realistic and then everyone will be happy.
It was fun while it lasted. I did it, you did it, cringey celebrities did it – it was good, harmless fun. And now it needs to stop.
Just like its fallen comrades of Gangman Style, Crank That Souja Boi, Rolex Sweep, and ‘The Dougie’ (or ‘The Douglas’ if you are upper-class), I sadly don’t think the dab has reached the legendary, timeless status held by the Macarena or the Cha-Cha slide, who both reside in dance-craze Sovngarde.
Dabbing: stop killing it, it’s already dead.
Speaking of fads that should go away…
3. Fidget spinners
Did you know that fidget spinners were originally intended to help people who suffer from anxiety and other issues like ADHD? Or that they have been around since 1993?
I didn’t, even with the staggering amount publicity that these things received in 2017 – so much so that I wouldn’t be surprised if 2K games released ‘Fidget Spinner 2K18’ for Xbox and PlayStation in the near future.
Though this will inevitably die down and fall out of fashion just as Beyblades, Digimons, Tamagotchis, ASBOs, GameBoy Colours and other schoolyard pastimes did before it. But what are you going to tell your grandchildren in 50 years’ time when they ask you what that strange, archaic device is?
Collectively as a people, we spend 3.25 billion hours on YouTube every month. It is so engrained into our brains and society that if you want to make or watch a video, YouTube is just the default place to go (speaking of which, please subscribe to the Newplex YouTube channel).
While the stats continue to grow, YouTube as a community has been steadily declining for a few years now. Sadly 2017 was no different, a year in which we saw the crippling effects of demonetisation of content for creators, declaring any wrestling related video as hate speech, demotivating huge creators to the point of stopping making content, and the revelations of the diabolical conditions of YouTube Rewind.
Plus just look how crap the video is. And the size of the fidget spinner. And it how it poorly mocks pop culture. And memes. And the Paul brothers – those egomaniacal halfwits hell-bent on squeezing every last cent out of an ever-complicit YouTube with clickbait so outrageous it would be banned in literally any other medium. That’s when they’re not terrorising their neighbours, doxing musicians, or – unbelievably – poking fun at a suicide victim upon discovering his body and then feeding the harrowing footage to millions of adoring children*.
YouTube is the friend that you trusted deeply but sold you out with its focus on money, wanting to further its own gain without a care for anyone close to it – essentially Seth Rollins circa 2015.
Speaking of poor performances recently…
5. DC outdoing Marvel
It’s time to give up on the idea DC outdoing Marvel, at least for the time being. Which is a shame because DC, you were looking so good. Between Ben Affleck beefing up to begin again as the Batman, having the best DC movie to date in Wonder Woman, and having a great supporting cast in Flash (Ezra Miller), Cyborg (Ray Fisher) and Aquaman (Jason Momoa).
Yes of course, there were flaws along the way. Having Cara Delevingne play a spooky, shaking lady and Superman surviving a kryptonite spear due to his skill of having a mother called Martha notwithstanding, it was all looking pretty promising.
So what went wrong? A question of vision, perhaps? Whereas Marvel is always planning for the future and is happy to delay its big payoffs, DC have rushed into cobbled together ensemble movies and story arcs now, without looking ahead.
Whilst Marvel is looking to create movies until the world is engulfed in either nuclear fire or its own branding, it is tough to know when exactly the next DC film will be, and even if it will be in its own cinematic universe at all.
Dear Santa/God/God and Santa,
I don’t want much for Christmas, just some socks, some fresh undies, and a Bullet Club t-shirt would be fine.
But I beg you, please, no more Minions movies. We get the joke, we laughed (a bit) and smiled (a tiny bit) but now it’s time to stop the torture.
No more Minions please Santa or God or Santa and God, I promise to brush my teeth and make my bed everyday if you do.
Hugs and Kisses,
Conor (age 23 and a half)
Dear Satan/The Devil/Loki/Charles Montgomery Burns,
I understand as the root of all evil, you need balance out the force as it were and I understand that everyone needs to make money.
However, when you incorporate a ‘play to win’ system, on a game which is already costing gamers upwards of £70, you are just draining your fanbase dry without a shred or spec of morality, benefiting from ill-gotten gains and essentially further ruining modern gaming.
I do not care how good Pink Darth Vader looks, please behave better.
Yours (*loud masculine crying*),
And here is the main culprit of it all.
There was a time in my life where my heart would skip a beat upon hearing “EA Sports: It’s in the game”, “EA Games: Challenge Everything”, or “EA Sports: BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG”.
But between closing down Visceral games, which provided many great games like Dead Space and The Godfather, evidently sucking the soul and life out of Bioware, and being investigated by the country of Belgium for gambling offences, EA has really shown their true colours as of late.
If YouTube is the best friend that has gone behind your back, then EA is the villain you didn’t see all along.
And finally the thing you need to give up on in 2018…
9. List articles
Because what kind of outstanding journalist would reduce themselves to write a list article?
*Editor’s note: For the sake of clarity, Jake Paul has been accused of doxing musician Post Malone and being a nuisance at his former ‘Team 10’ house in LA. It is Logan Paul who has been accused of filming the body of a recent suicide victim and publishing the footage to YouTube.